The
Exposive Child
Time In
Timer
Picture Magnets
Dry Erase Board
Eating
Token System
Discipline Without Damage
OCD Books and Articles
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
The Explosive Child
The Explosive Child: An New Approach for
Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible
Children,
a book by Ross W. Greene,
Ph.D.
available at www.amazon.com and
major
booksellers. I highly recommend this book and video for parents
of children
who don't respond to the methods listed below, or, jump straight
to Dr.
Greene's methods first for especially inflexible children. The
book/video
teaches the parent how to prioritize what situations to deal with and
shows how
to teach your child the skills to be more flexible. The reviews
at amazon
are helpful in previewing the book.
Time In
This is the first behavior strategy I used that helped with any
consistency
before the diet or enzymes, and I had tried many forms of
discipline.
Tantruming was a way of life with a few breaks here and there.
Dr. Edward
Christophersen, child psychologist at Children's Mercy Hospital in
Kansas City,
Missouri, taught me this method of “Time-Out”. The typical
time-out
method I was using (and the one most parents and teachers are familiar
with)
was not effective with my older son.
The emphasis is to provide plenty of
“Time-In,” to insure the “Time-Out” is effective. To do this, you
give
the child 100 touches a day. The touches should be something like
a quick
touch or rub on the shoulder or stroking of the hair, lasting only 1 to
2
seconds so as not to distract the child from what they are doing.
When
the child does some misbehavior, such as whining, the parent should
immediately
say, “Time-out whining.” If the misbehavior was throwing a tantrum, you
would
say, “Time-out tantruming.” And then completely ignore the
child.
Really ignore them – don’t run off where they can’t see you, but stay
right
there and pretend the child does not exist until they stop
misbehaving.
You should act like their misbehavior is of no interest to you, but you
need to
be there where the child can observe you. As soon as the
misbehavior stops, reinforce it with a “Time-In.” If the problem
is
something like a child saying something rude, I will say, “Time-out
rudeness”
and I will ignore the child for several seconds and if the child is
playing
with a toy while he said the rude thing, I will remove the toy for
those
several seconds. Dr. Christophersen’s emphasis is, "You don't add
time-out, you take away time-in. It's designed to make the point
that
time-out is the removal of time-in, not some place that you send a
child.”
Not only did we see
immediate progress
with our son’s behavior, but my stress level dropped to a new low
because
ignoring is such a calm way to react. Because I had a consistent
plan of
how to handle behavior through ignoring, I didn’t have to anticipate
every
little potential problem. The key is to truly ignore. Keep
your
mouth shut and act calm while you are not responding to the child’s
negative
behavior, until it stops, no matter how long it takes. I was
surprised to
find it only took a few hours to improve my son’s behavior. For
most
parents, it takes a few days to convince the child.
This interview includes some explanation of handling tantrums: http://thekansan.com/stories/011000/acc_0110000001.shtml
'Time-In Before Time-Out'
http://www.parenthood.com/articles.html?article_id=4236
To break it down:
1. Give 100 touches a day to make sure your child is getting
enough
time-in, such as a quick rub on the shoulder.
2. Catch your child being good and praise appropriately.
3. Say, “Time-out” and a single word to identify the problem
behavior as
soon as it happens.
4. Ignore as long as the misbehavior occurs, which includes
keeping your
mouth shut.
5. As soon as the misbehavior stops, give some time-in.
Video about Parenting, with Dr.
Christophersen: http://www.apa.org/videos/4310603.html
Books by Dr. Edward R. Christophersen: http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/echrist/
Many studies on discipline, toilet training, and other topics http://www.pubmed.com, search under
Christophersen ER.
Timer
You can’t argue
with a timer. I use a timer for just about any time I need to
control how
long my sons get to do something that may be a problem. I first
state the
expected behavior, such as, “You may play the computer game for 30
minutes.” I then state the consequence, such as, “If you do not
stop when
the timer goes off, you lose some of tomorrow’s time.” I may set
the
timer for a few minutes short of the target time to give my son a
warning, then
reset the timer for the remainder, or I set the timer right by the
computer so
he can see how much time is left. If he reacts negatively when
his time
is up, I say, “You have lost five minutes of tomorrow’s time.” If
he
continues, I may subtract a few more minutes from the next day. I
use a
digital timer, because my sons are able to understand how it works.
For
some children, a round timer where they can see the markings move may
be a
better visual. Watch out for kids that change the timer!
How ever
much they add on is what they lose the next day (at least)!
I usually use a timer to help our kids get ready for bed. I may
tell my
kids, “If you have your pajamas on in ten minutes, you get to have two
stories
read to you.” If they are not ready by the time the timer goes
off, no
stories and they go to bed dressed as is, which they do not like to do.
This
works for trying to leave the house, too.
Time Timer
The Time Timer is a new timer I
discovered
being sold at a conference. This timer is a clock with a red disc
that
gets smaller as the time disappears. It allows the child to
easily see
how much time is available. It helps to alleviate worries about
how much
time is left because the child (or adult!) can do their task while the
bright
red, which represents time, is in their peripheral vision. This
could be
helpful in a testing situation, using the larger version of the clock
at the
front of the classroom. The smallest timer can go with the child
if they
need to keep it in different classroom situations, such as in the
cafeteria.
The timer is completely visual, no beeper version is currently
available
except on the Time Timer CD. We are currently using the 8 inch
timer for
home use, such as for eating breakfast and computer time.
Picture Magnets
www.do2learn.com is an excellent
resource
for pictures. Picture schedules can be a great help for
non-readers and
readers alike. I have made them into magnets and put them on the
refrigerator to help control TV time. My older son even drew some
pictures of his Playstation on 3x5 cards that I covered with clear
contact
paper and put sticky magnet tape on the back. I wrote “30
minutes” on the
cards and put them on the fridge for each boy as they earned
them. They
then turned them into me when they were ready to play.
Dry Erase Board
I have a small dry erase message board on the front of my refrigerator
where I
can map out anything that has been a problem topic. For example,
I found
myself negotiating “screen time” too often, and as my kids get older, I
am
wanting to move up from the picture magnets, so I wrote out each day of
the
week and how much screen time is appropriate for that day. It
makes it
easy to erase and rewrite the minutes, too, if one of my kids has
misbehaved.
When they argue about having to stop screen time (because the
timer went
off), I simply subtract a minute or more from the next day's time and
rewrite
the new time on the board. I am now also using a bigger board to
list my
kids' daily chores.
Eating
My disclaimer: Under some circumstances, it is possible a child
with
major sensory issues would deprive themselves of food for an extended
period. You should consider talking to your pediatrician about an
appropriate plan for eating strategies.
Our eating
difficulties
were helped tremendously, again under guidance by Dr. Christophersen,
when we
gave our kids a simple choice. I set out a reasonable amount of
food on
each boy’s plate and say, “Here is your meal. You may ask for
more, but
if don’t eat this food, there is no more food till lunch (or dinner or
breakfast).” I never force them to eat all the food on their
plates, but
if they choose not to eat the food, they do not get any more food till
the next
offer at the next meal. I do not make special orders of food for
individual members of the family. I make one meal for everyone,
although
I may make a few choices of vegetables or fruit within that meal, but
generally
the same for everyone. Whether or not I give a snack between
meals is
decided by me.
Token System
I use a token system for my kids to encourage good behavior and table
manners. The token economies used in classrooms are usually more
structured than what a parent needs for younger children. My
system is
very flexible and simple.
For my kids,
"good" behavior earns a token, which is a plastic link, and when the
chain of links hanging on the refrigerator reaches the floor, they get
a small
prize. I avoid removing links for “bad” behavior, and find the
best
results are gained by the earning of links. I always identify the
good behavior
and immediately give them the link. For example, "You came when I
called you the first time. You earned a link!"
The
first few days you do this, you should watch for the target behavior
and reward
it as much as possible, then start rewarding more randomly.
You’ll have
to explain to your child that they won’t always know which time they
will get a
link. It’s up to you to decide what the reward is, but I find it
doesn’t
have to be much. Older kids can be expected to earn more links
over a
longer period of time for bigger rewards.
Some parents require the child to pay tokens for any privilege.
For
example, to watch TV, they pay a predetermined number of links. I
think
this is a good system, too, but I have a variation for that. I
have brightly
colored cards with pictures of a TV, Playstation, or computer and "30
minutes" written below. I award them two cards a day as long as
their rooms are picked up. On weekends, I give them three cards
or if I'm
feeling really generous, four. The cards have a magnet on the
back.
I put the card on the fridge under their school pictures when they earn
it so
we can keep track of who has done what. They turn in a card for
each 30
minutes of time and I set a timer. I find this cuts down on
arguing about
TV/computer time.
The links we use for tokens are about 1 inch long and can be purchased
anywhere
that sells teaching supplies (try Office Max and Wal-Mart). You
can also
use poker chips, although they are loud, or even a point system for a
much
older child, and of course, real money.
This system does not solve all our problems by any means, but it does help. It is not
a perfect system and my
kids still misbehave at times, but I think it helps reinforce their
target
behaviors. One rule you must enforce is that if they ask for a
link, they
lose a link so begging does not become an issue. Remember that
since you
are the parent, you can change the rules as you go if something about
the
system doesn't work! I like the fact that the links and cards are
visual
and right there in the kitchen hanging where we can all see.
I’ve broken this
down into steps:
1. Explain your system as simply as possible. Tell
the child
specifically what behaviors you are watching for. Discuss what
the prize
will be and how long the chain must be before they cash in the
links. If
you wish, you can require the child pays links or tokens for all
privileges,
such as watching TV. The number of links required should be
pre-determined. For example, five links might be turned in for 30
minutes
of TV. You might have a chart that shows the “price” of each
privilege. For my kids, when the chain touches the floor, they
get a
prize. I use the card system described above for TV and computer
time,
but using the links is another option.
2. The
first day, reward the target behavior every time you see it or as much
as is
reasonable. If the behavior desired is to come when called, have
a link
ready when you call the child’s name. If the child takes a step
toward
you when you call his name, immediately say, “You came when I called
you!
You earned a link.” Put the link or token where it will be
seen.
Set up some more situations where you call the child from nearby and
continue
to reward them. Set them up to be successful as much as possible
at
first, and then raise your expectations. For example, eventually,
you
would expect the child to come when you call from another room.
3.
After a day or two, depending on your child’s level, you might start
rewarding
randomly. If your older child asks for a link after they do the
target
behavior on their own, explain they will not receive it every time and
they
will not receive it when asked for. For very young children, or
those who
will be distressed by this because they don’t comprehend, you should
only
choose one or two target behaviors and you SHOULD reward those
behaviors every
time. As their development progresses, you can reward
intermittently. If they do not comprehend the delayed
gratification of
the prize, you may find you either need to plan for a small reward more
often
or try a completely different method of rewarding behavior.
4. Change the system to suit you and your child’s
needs. It
may take a few days to determine how many links/tokens you want them to
earn
over what length of time. Just simply explain the change in rules
and
follow through.
5. Only remove a link for the worst offenses. I
rarely remove
a link because it usually results in further deterioration of behavior,
such as
tantruming. Giving links like for the desired behavior works
best.
Removal of a privilege or ignoring the child works better than removing
links.
6.
Rewarding a sibling for good behavior makes an impact. If one
child
whines about washing up before dinner, ignore that child and calmly
give the
other child who did wash up nicely and say, “You earned a link for
washing up
cheerfully when asked.” NEVER say to the misbehaving child, “Why
didn’t
you wash up like your brother? He gets a link.” This will
cause
resentment of the sibling. The focus should be on the desired
behavior,
not what may be perceived as the desired sibling. My kids almost
never
complain about the other child getting a link when I choose my words
carefully.
7. Dinnertime: I am working on my kids chewing with
their
mouths closed, which has been difficult. I discovered saying over
and
over, “Please chew with your mouth closed,” works for about five
seconds.
I have had the most success with keeping a pile of links at hand.
When I
see someone chewing appropriately, I put a link by his plate and say,
“You were
chewing with your mouth closed.” I might give another one ten
seconds
later or ten minutes later. They don’t know when, but they make a
big
effort to chew appropriately. I intend to continue this rewarding
until
chewing with their mouths closed becomes natural.
8. You
can keep a chain in the car or in your purse if you wish for rewarding
away
from home.
9. You can put a link in your child’s backpack or lunchbox
to
motivate them to remember to bring home the backpack or lunchbox.
If they
bring it home, they get to put up the link. Last year when my son
had
difficulty remembering to deliver notes to his teacher, I hooked a red,
coated
paperclip to the zipper of his backpack where it was visible to
him. We
called it his “red reminder”. If he remembered to empty his
backpack at
school, he could turn in the red reminder for a link at home.
When he was
in kindergarten, I stuck a red star sticker on his hand and called that
his
“red reminder” for taking notes out of the backpack. The younger
the
child, the more visible the reminder needs to be. Now that he is
older, I
can put the link in his backpack or lunchbox. I rarely need to do
this
now.
10. As your
child
gets older, your system can change. If the child is able to
handle
delayed gratification, he can earn a large number of links over many
days for
special outings such as going to a local amusement park. If the
links
seem too juvenile for older children, a search for “token economies” on
www.google.com will give you more sophisticated systems.
Here are some links
that discuss token economies and give more options on implementing them:
http://www.cet.fsu.edu/cpt/TREE/myles.html
http://www.polyxo.com/visualsupport/tokeneconomies.html
Here is a link that
discourages the use of token economies:
http://seamonkey.ed.asu.edu/~jimbo/RIBARY_Folder/problems.htm
My goal is to NOT
have to use our link system someday. Some days, and even
weeks, we
don’t even think about the links, yet other days I give out many links
to
reinforce a behavior that needs attention. I do not want tokens
or money
to control our daily life, but only help with a few problem behaviors
until
they become habit. A token system should be a tool that helps and
if your
child does not have the awareness to be motivated by the tokens and the
resulting reward, then you need to use another way to reinforce
behavior or
extinguish undesirable behavior. My son’s responsiveness to the
link
system improved significantly once he started taking the enzymes that
alleviated
his autistic symptoms – so remember that underlying problems can hinder
the
effectiveness of discipline. Special thanks to Beth Bowers for
first
suggesting a token system and to Tara Deckard for her guidance on
implementing
it.
Discipline Without Damage
This site has several
articles about discipline. From the site: Discipline Without
Damage is a
coordinated system of communication that is both technically sound and
user
friendly. It offers direct and practical methods of positive
communication that
can actually produce the results you are seeking.
OCD Books and Articles
Freeing Your Child From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Freeing Your Child From Anxiety
By Tamar E. Chansky, Ph.D.
Up and Down the
Worry Hill: A
children's book about obsessive-compulsive disorder
By Aureen Pinto Wagner, Ph.D.
Cognitive-Bahvioral
Therapy for Children and Adolescents with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Paper
by Aureen Pinto Wagner
Articles
by
Western Suffolk Psychological Services Practitioners
Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy
The Academy of Cognitive TherapySM,a non-profit
organization, was founded in 1999 by a group of
leading clinicians, educators, and researchers in the field of
cognitive
therapy.
Three Part
Series
on Cognitive Behavior Therapy on NPR
Cognitive Behavior
Therapy:
Thinking Positive
Cognitive Behavioral
Therapy's
Controversial Founder
Treating Adolescents
with CBT
Cognitive-Bahvioral
Therapy for Children and Adolescents with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Paper
by Aureen Pinto Wagner
Freeing Your Child From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Freeing Your Child From Anxiety
By Tamar E. Chansky, Ph.D.
Up and Down the Worry Hill: A
children's book about obsessive-compulsive disorder
By Aureen Pinto Wagner